Everything Is Fine: 21 Months Sober

[Contains spoilers for the film Another Round]

Kayla Martell Feldman

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badge by Sober Girl Society

Twenty-one months ago, I had my last drink ever. It started out as an experiment and by the end of the first month had become a deliberate and permanent choice. I committed to writing one article a month for the first year of my sobriety, documenting my experiences and sharing the discoveries I made along the way. And I discovered a lot. Seven months in, I came to terms with the fact that I really had been an alcoholic, and that I really wouldn’t ever be able to drink again. I read a lot of books and articles about sobriety, listened to podcasts and albums about drinking and alcohol, learned that many of my favourite celebrities have been sober for years (Max Greenfield! Who knew?). I wrote about things I remembered from when I abused alcohol, times I nearly died or ruined someone else’s night or ended up in some messy fucked-up situation I never would have found myself in had I not put myself there in an inebriated state. I worked through a lot of shame and hurt and trauma, and after nine months I stopped writing. I didn’t explain that I’d changed my mind about the monthly articles, or offer any explanation as to why I stopped three months short. I knew of people who’d been following the journey and who might be wondering if I’d started drinking again but felt too ashamed to say, and I knew of people who’d found some kinship in my articles who may have felt abandoned when I stopped writing them unexpectedly. But I also felt that I’d written enough, provided enough resources, recommended the books and the articles and the podcasts. I learned the hard way that if you don’t have anything that needs saying on the internet, sometimes it’s best to just shut up. And I simply didn’t have anything else to say, so I shut up. But I also stayed sober.

sober and joyful this summer, sporting my “1 Year Sober” badge

Being sober is fine. That’s where I’m at now. It’s just… fine. I’m not excited about it, I’m not particularly proud of myself, and, a lot of the time, I wish I’d kept drinking just a little bit more, had a few more years of royally fucking shit up before getting my act together. I stopped drinking shortly before turning 27, and I think maybe I could’ve…

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Kayla Martell Feldman

Anglo-American atheist Jew. Director & writer for stage & screen. Book person, intersectional feminist, poet. Living with OCD. Not an Expert. she/her